either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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