I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
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Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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