I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just forgot I was standing up.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
