yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
