Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
being pregnant is like rehab
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
