i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
