He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Shame - the story of my life.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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