How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
