You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
