so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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