But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
