am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
