I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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