Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
