he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
