Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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