I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
