I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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