she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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