I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
