I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Duck Duck Cougar?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Is it because I queefed?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
