My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
