News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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