An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
