The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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