i was born a porn star she said
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
