I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.