matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
