Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Houston, we have a blender
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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