Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid