It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.