Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.