The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
