Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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