"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
