I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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