K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
My hand turned me down
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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