I'm pants shitting drunk right now
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
