woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
