Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
