i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
