either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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