the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
