dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
