Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
