Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...