you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Can't talk, ducks in the car
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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