I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
