Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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