She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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