oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
