I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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