I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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