Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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