If i come over, it means nothing
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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