Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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