There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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