my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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