Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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