dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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