I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
