no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
