I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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